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Knife the Mac

by Limster

McDonald's

730 Stanyan (at Haight)

www.mcdonalds.com

Burger King

1325 9^th Ave (at Irving)

www.whopperstomper.com

Ever wondered about that red and yellow plastic house with the clown just off the Haight? Or that burger and Pokemon dispensing hole-in-the-wall on 9^th Avenue thatÕs more like a hole-in-the-head? I did. In case you didnÕt know, fast food is a new experience for the Limster. Yessiree — I've never ever been in a Burger King or McDonalds in SF. And I never thought I would. But I finally screwed up enough courage, stepped in to sample their fare and lived to tell.

On the surface, Burger King and McDonalds appear rather similar. Both offer the requisite plastic gimmicks with their food and provide quasi-high-speed self-service eating experiences, presenting customers with virtually identical menus. Nevertheless, beneath their superficial similarities, there are subtle differences in their victuals that can be discerned by a discriminating palate, or any experienced pathologist.

Royal Mush

Although Burger King sneaked quietly into the busy block on 9^th Avenue, it has become more vocal (or malodorous, as some might say) after it opened its doors. Some of this has led to the plastering of the block with Burger King flyers advertising their stench. In case moms and dads can't find parking on the busy stretch of 9^th Avenue while junior picks up yet another Pokemon piece, many of these flyers cleverly suggest "double parking." There is also the shrewd use of reverse psychology in the banner in the window near this BK that urges "Boycott Burger King." Somebody should hire their ad agency.

This particular BK on 9^th Avenue is tiny and will seat about 5 people who've eaten at BK all their lives (or about 10-15 regular people). A wide ordering counter cuts across the place and faces the incoming customer, flashing Pokemon offers supplemented by a lit overhead menu. A few tables and chairs provide some plastic gloss with hard comfort. Service there is outstanding. In my experience, the server who brings my food to my table at BK is always brilliantly intelligent, charming, knowledgeable, handsome and witty but also in dire need of humility. That's not really surprising, given the prevailing self-service policy.

The menu at BK is typical of eateries in its class. ThereÕs the usual varieties of burgers with their usual combinations of garnishes as well as fries and a mix of soft drinks. Not decidedly outstanding, but up to par with its competition.

Their flagship burger is the Whopper, and like other burgers at BK, the kitchenÕs inferno brings out earthy tarry flavors that fume easily from the patty. ThereÕs also a certain exotic gaminess that lingers for hours after the burger is consumed, reminiscent of sewers. This pairs perfectly with the gluey mayonnaise (a creative work of emulsification and other Du Pont-style chemical processes) that mingles with the greasy juices and the mucky cheese. To give the burger an extra edge, there's a zing from the onions to complement the wild flavors of the meat. Also present are a patch of lettuce and tomatoes that nicely tempers the sulfates, bromates and sorbates that were tenderly baked into the buns. If you need that extra spare tire, shoot for the version with bacon. For those who feel that size does matter, letÕs just say that the Whopper ain't no Godzilla. But don't let that deceive you. There's more calories in one of them feisty little ones than a pound of bomb-grade plutonium.

Those fearful of mad cows and over-enthusiastic prions working overtime might choose to stick with the chicken. Why did the chicken cross the road? No one really knows, but the ones that only got as far as the second lane often find themselves reincarnated with bread crumbs in the Chicken Tenders at BK. True to their name, this chicken has been through extensive tenderizing. Fortunately, the bread crumbs cover the treadmarks nicely, simultaneously providing crisp and cosmetics, another ingenious touch.

For dessert, BK eschews the standard American apple pie for a Dutch rendition. That explains why it looks like someone had stuck his thumb in it, although it's still flooded with salty taste that hails from beyond the orchards. Nevertheless, a tiny whiff of the spices still seep through, along with the unmistakable touch of sodium benzoate and cysteine hydrochloride.

On the whole, I survived my close encounter at Burger King. I should confess that not swallowing the food helped. Prices are not too bad, but if youÕre thinking about Burger King in the first place, perhaps you should get the grown-ups to pay. Most immune systems should be able to hold out just fine anyway, although the emergency room at UCSFÕs hospital is a handy few blocks away, which speaks volumes for BKÕs perfect choice of location. Recommended for pesky children you want to get rid of.

Arch Enemy

At the glossy red and yellow institution on Stanyan that is McDonald's, the iconic arches share real estate with the denizens spilled over from Haight Street. Here, the grit is mysteriously vanishes as though an invisible line was etched in the concrete. This is the only McDonaldÕs where conspicuous security watches for runaway burgers and protects customers from the awkward moment when they actually have Òspare changeÓ after paying for their food. There is copious seating here, again in shiny reds and yellows; and an adjoining theme playground provide entertainment for brave toddlers. Just beware of the sinister clown that seems like a refugee from a Stephen King novel.

The menu at McDonaldÕs does bear a passing semblance to its counterpart at Burger King. Nevertheless, the eating experience is actually quite different. On the whole, the food at McDonald's is as organic as organic chemistry, reflecting their eco-friendly efforts to minimize the murder of plants for spices and colors. At McDonaldÕs, they prefer to resort to the strength and ingenuity of industrial chemical synthesis, instead of unnecessarily harming our photosynthetic friends.

Take the Big Mac for instance. Here, two patties are sandwiched by three slices of bun with an assortment of garnishings. The patties are darkly pungent and smoky, with a fair bit of grease, and are as aromatic as a whole bunch of benzene rings. The Big Mac is distinguished an extra dash of the Big Mac sauce, thatÕs tart and sweet and gently laced with potassium sorbate and EDTA. Again, the meat is balanced by lettuce, tomato and onions and enveloped by a puffy bun that's elevated by fungal enzymes. For an extra bite, ask for the pickles that provide a vinegary relish along the lines of polysorbate 80. To stick everything together are an unnaturally white dollop of mayo and a piquant spread of mustard that round up the Big Mac experience.

French fries provide a natural match for burgers, and the version at McDonaldÕs is crisp and starchy and gleam with a sodium acid pyrophosphate preserved color. This is also an excellent vehicle for the ketchup.

Vegetarians would probably gravitate towards the salads that are essentially a mix of lettuce, tomatoes and carrots, enlivened by your choice of dressing. The Caesar dressing is a decent bet — it's a bit on the tangy side, with a slight metallic finish redolent of alginates, inosinates and guanylates. For those with a preference for parsley, oregano, oleosterin turmeric and oleoresin paprika, try the Herb Vinaigrette that also happens to be curiously fat free.

For dessert, itÕs a close one between the milk shakes and the ice cream. I feel that the shakes have a slight edge. These thick shakes come in the usual triumvirate of flavors: chocolate (laced with FD&C red 40), strawberry (a more interesting mix of FD&C red 40, yellow 6 and blue 1) and the ethyl-vanillin fortified vanilla.

Overall, my experience at McDonald's was similar to that at Burger King. Honestly, it's not really a destination; besides there are scores of them all over the city, so you don't really have to make any special effort to go to one anyway. Tastewise, the food is fairly edible, especially if youÕre under the age of twelve and consider dirt a delicacy. If you're a grown-up, it's useful to know that just like Burger King, this is a great place to take revenge on that bratty child Ñ theyÕll regret being so whiny once they go on chemotherapy.

It's easy to say that the foods at McDonald's and Burger King are dissimilar (especially in the manifested signs and symptoms). But I find that neither one is necessary better than the other. It's actually harder to choose between the two. I suppose it comes down to a choice of the tang of benzoates that are more predominant at Burger King, or the complex savory ring of guanylates and inosinates that is more pronounced at McDonald's. In summary, as my bartender used to say, "Choose your poison."

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